One month until I move out of the convent. It’s hard to believe I’ve lived here since September. This final month will go quick, especially since I’ll be gone for over a week of it. In June I have to visit the college town I’m moving to in August. I also have a trip to Chicago planned to meet with my ind. study instructor. Times of transition are uncomfortable. It’s a challenge to stay present and appreciate each moment. I’m stuck in a mixture of grief and restlessness about moving away from the convent and later moving down south. I’ll stay with my parents for 6 weeks while I work my favorite summer job. It will be my seventh summer working as a teacher’s aid at a summer school for migrant children. It’s the most rewarding job. And what a joy it has been to watch some of the kids grow up over the years.
I think I’ll keep this blog throughout the summer. I’m not sure what I plan to do in the fall. I have a blog I kept for 5 years prior to this one that I might return to. Or, I might just stop blogging. I’ll have to use the majority of my spare time toward “real writing,” meaning writing I obsess about and may eventually publish and/or turn in for a grade.
Speaking of obsessing. I got my psychological test results back. I have ADHD (not a surprise), Anxiety (Also, not a surprise), and OCD (HUGE surprise). When I think of OCD, I think of my little sister–with her spotless bedroom and closet organized by color–or my best friend who washes her hands until they’re raw and won’t touch public doors. I don’t do either of those things. I’m, actually, a pretty messy person. There are phases in my life where I try to be more organized, but it never lasts. I blame my disorganization on my creative personality. There are plenty of neat, organized creative people. It just seems to make sense that my surroundings look scattered like my thoughts.
I do obsess about my writing (I can take hours to write a couple paragraphs). Isn’t it part of the job description of a writer? We pay attention to every word more than the average person. I didn’t think it was any sort of disordered thinking. My therapist also suggested that my OCD and perfectionism are how I survived in school even with untreated ADHD.
When it was first suggested I might have ADHD, after my older brother was diagnosed last year, I thought it sounded absurd. ADHD kids were the trouble makers who never stopped talking and couldn’t stay in their seats. I was a well-behaved kid who did pretty well in school. Once I started researching the disorder, it made so much sense of my childhood and college experience. I always felt like things didn’t click right for me. Similarly, I avoid driving whenever possible, having developed some intense anxiety around it. I felt like something was wrong with me where I couldn’t pay attention to signs or traffic. I thought it was just some personality flaw or new form of stupidity. It’s so nice to know that my brain just processes things differently. It will be helpful to have this diagnosis while in grad school, especially since I’ll be required to take literature classes. Literature classes are insanely hard when they expect you to read complex pieces of literature in days before moving onto the next. Hopefully this diagnosis will allow me to better understand my learning style so I can excel. I’m optimistic about the future. A bit restless in the mean time.