Tomorrow is my ADHD testing. I’m frustrated with my doctor. Today at a support group meeting, I mentioned my doctor’s name, and everyone said bad things. I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m done. My treatment plan is completely up to me. I tell her if I want more medication. And I get permission to take less when I ask for it. A friend pointed out that, to a degree, my treatment has always up to me. No one is going to make me take my medication. I agreed, but also reminded her I have a history of being compliant with what my doctor says.
My former psychiatrist gave me a voice in what medications I took, too. I’d go in saying, “I don’t like being on this many medications. The newest one has annoying side effects like lightheadedness. My sleep and mood have been better since I started taking it, but that could be a result of other things I’ve been doing to stay healthy.” Then, the doctor would advise me to either discontinue or continue taking the latest medication, explaining why. With my current doctor, I say “I’m not sure if I need to be on this medication.” Instead of asking for more details, she’ll say “Okay. Stop taking it and see how you feel.” It’s a battle every night whether or not I want to take it anymore. I’m taking it tonight, because it helps me sleep. I want a good night sleep before my 3 hours worth of testing tomorrow. I’m on a low enough dosage, I could stop taking it, see how it goes, and resume taking it if I notice any problems. I’m angry that I even have to worry about this, because that’s what my doctor gets paid to do. I don’t know the difference between when I’m healthy enough to cut back on medication and when my mental illness is the one telling me to cut back on medication so it can take over.
I move back to my hometown sometime in June. In August, I’ll move South. There’s no point in finding a new doctor before moving in August. My family doctor can hold the fort down for the summer. I’m sure thankful I’ve been stable all year. I don’t know what I’d have done if I was unstable and stuck with an inadequate doctor. I probably would’ve had to move in with my parents. Then I’d have missed all the peace and beauty I’ve found here at the convent. After a bitter entry, I want to emphasize my gratitude for stability and my new found peace here.